My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
