can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
