Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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