I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
