My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i love accidental penises.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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