There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
