it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
