i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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