I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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