I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
cat food counts as protein by the way
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
