I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
