dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
