sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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