I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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