I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
