if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
