I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
