I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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