I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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