u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I love having hate sex.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
