Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
