i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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