Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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