The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
