I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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