I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
