I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
