Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
