Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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