Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
