and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
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I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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