My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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