i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
