is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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