I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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