We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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