I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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