wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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