I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
