I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
