oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
