I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
