I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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