sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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