I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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