You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
