Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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