hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
