in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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