i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
