90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
