And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
