If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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