I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
