The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
