i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
